More Heart, Less Attack

With the new year ahead, I’ve set my sights on new goals or “resolutions,” if you will. I am not a fan of resolutions. It’s like an internal battle of me trying to make me do something I don’t want to do and since I don’t like being told what to do, I “show” me who’s boss by not doing it!

Can anyone relate? 

It’s like dieting. Ever dieted? I’ve been on two diets in my life. The first one was the Atkins diet like 10 years ago…I remember after about three hours of no sugar, my body went into shock and I had to eat M&Ms like aspirin to keep from shaking. That was the end of that, haha! I think I made it an entire afternoon.

Then there was two years ago, when my husband and I decided to do extreme Paleo; we attempted the Whole30. Yikes, it was intense and I felt awful almost the entire time. My husband instantly lost weight, you know men, he was down 15 pounds in the first week. Then there was me, bloated and miserable for the first two weeks. Finally, I turned a corner and I felt amazing. All those good things the program claims were true for me, but it just took a little while for my body to come out of shock.

I remember my husband and I having the conversation that all people on a diet do:

 “This is great, I feel so awesome…This isn’t a diet, this is life. I’m doing this forever. Dieting is not a temporary thing you do, it’s a way of life, Man! Other people just don’t know because of all the toxic food they are eating.”

About five minutes later, I found out I was pregnant. Then came the morning sickness and the only thing to soothe my sick tummy were soda crackers and brownies. That was the end of Paleo for me.

Whenever the talk of resolutions come up, I get instant anxiety and stress. I’ve been meditating on a song I heard earlier this year for the past few months, and I’ve decided it’s my current life song. This is Needtobreathe, “More Heart, Less Attack.”

So, no resolutions for me, but rather, trying to be present and aware of the things that come out of my mouth before I say them (Is that a resolution? Because I guess I am “resolving” not to do those things, but I don’t want to call it that, okay?).

I struggle.

I’m sarcastic. I say lots of smart-assy things that are Hi-larious in my mind, but probably don’t go over that well in real life. Not only that, but I’ve got this root of bitterness that only needs fed a grain of salt to grow into an angry beast that gets me spewing trash on the phone to people who love me enough to let me unload, and then I am regretful later of what has come out of my mouth. God tells me that freshwater and saltwater cannot flow from the same spring, and I know that my will needs conforming when it comes to my thoughts and words.

James 3 has been so convicting lately:

Let me unload part of this chapter on you. Chapter 3 just gets better, but I’m going to make you go get your bible if you want to read the rest of it:

Taming the Tongue 

3 Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life,[a] and set on fire by hell.[b] 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers,[c] these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

I don’t want to regret the things I have said because I am operating out of bitterness. I don’t want to regret my actions because they came from a place of hurt. Oh, how my emotions control me! I regret many things I have said and done, and having to walk out the consequences has not been joyful in the least bit.

Not only do I mess up in my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, but my parenting as well. I think I need to be most careful with these little people I have been entrusted. Especially now that they are beginning to parrot back my words- it’s like a punch to the gut. How can I be so shocked at the things that come out of their mouth when I know they heard it from mine?

Ugh. Lots of work to do this year. I am praying that God will sanctify me because I am dead in the water (rather, dead in my sins!) on my own.

So, as I am humming along this song, I hope it will remind me of my attitude, my thoughts, and the condition of my heart. I’m hoping I will pause before the “Scary Mommy” comes out and respond in love, not anger.

And because I am a little obsessed with Needtobreathe, I’m giving away a copy of their latest CD! I’ve been hanging on to this baby for months! My husband and I got a date night last summer spring (time is flying!) and got to see them in concert at The Record Exchange. It was a super awesome venue and I posted a bajillion pictures on Instagram because I was so excited to be on a real date with my favorite person watching my favorite band.

So, tell me about your New Year! What are your plans? Goals? Hopes? Desires?…or that nasty stuff you want to see less of? I’ll pick one lucky commenter and send your prize! Contest ends in two weeks!